Trying to find my happy place

I’m finding it hard to be happy at the moment. I’ve been stuck in this state of depressive apathy since Easter. Maybe it’s after the departure of my family and then coming back from Pisa that I realised how alone I am.

In a way I should count my blessings that I’m living with a family. I can’t imagine how much worse I would be feeling if I was actually stuck in a flat by myself. When i keep myself busy I am fine: at school, private lessons, shopping, talking to my host Mother. But when I am alone my mood hit a low.

I don’t think this is just the usual W-curve syndrome. I think there are genuine contributions to my mood:

First one is my boyfriend. He’s ridiculously busy at the moment with his dissertation. I’m used to speaking to him on Skype pretty much whenever I’m free and no I’m lucky if I get to speak to him every other day. It’s a vicious circle in fact. When I don’t speak to him I feel lonely, and when I’m lonely I want to speak to him.

The second and third merge together. I realised this week a big difference between Marburg and Naples. Naples doesn’t feel like home. I remember when I went to Munich a month into my semester in Germany and when I arrived back in Marburg I was relieved to be back; I’d missed it that much. It wasn’t the same coming back from Pisa. Naples is interesting, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have much compassion for it. Maybe its because it is so much bigger. Maybe because it’s not heavily populated by students like Mburg. And maybe, here comes my third reason, its because I don’t have my friends here. No I know that I do have “friends” in Naples, but they’re friends in the English sense of the word. If I was German then they would definitely just be “Bekannte”. It’s a little sad for me to say that, but its true. They are lovely people and I’m so grateful for their hospitality but we have little in common and I really doubt we will stay in contact when I leave. It’s just that I really believe that I managed to survive so well in Marburg thanks to my amazing network of friends there. There was always someone there for you. To talk to you, to keep you busy, to make you smile, to pick you up when you’re down. Apart from my host mum and mentor (who are both great but huge worriers) I don’t have that sort of support here.

My fourth is really just me being my typical self. It’s a trait that I hate and will always haunt me. I get very paranoid about people not liking me. It always happens and I’ve messed up so many friendships because of it. I always read too much into things and end up coming to the conclusion that someone doesn’t like me anymore. I’ve found myself doing this lately with someone my friends from Marburg. There are a few who I’ve only heard from two or three times since moving here and that is only  when I’ve contacted them. I’ve written them letters/postcards but I don’t receive a “hey I got your postcard thanks.”. My brain tells me that people are busy and that not everyone thinks to tell you they received your post or they don’t want to bother you. Maybe they forgot to reply to your Facebook message etc. But no matter how logically I look at things, that nagging voice always makes me worry that it’s a sign that they don’t care. I wish I could grow out of this because I know this is just making me feel worse for absolutely no reason. Maybe writing this down will make me listen to myself!

I’m just very homesick and Marburg sick at the moment. I just want to be happy again. Maybe this is just the illness talking.