A reflective look back

This post is way over due, for that I apologize. In fact I originally planned to write and post this on the 31st August – the 1 year anniversary of my year abroad, but it just didn’t happen.
It’s weird to comprehend just how much time has passed since I got on that plane to Cologne. It seems like a few months rather than more than a year. As I’ve said before, I do feel quite disconnected from that girl I was, but proud at what she achieved at the same time. I’ve seen the change in myself even more since coming back to the UK. I can interact with people and deal with awkward situations a lot better. Idle chitchat is not as painful as it used to be. That’s not saying that I enjoy it, because I still loathe talking about absolutely nothing just for the sake of filling in the silence, but it’s a lot easier.
I keep thinking back to how I was this time last year. The first few weeks were definitely the most difficult in both countries. Trying to get over your home sickness, whilst being constantly exposed to new and strange places, people, customs, whilst trying to speak the language, whilst trying to sort out your accommodation, internet, mobile, whilst trying to figure out where to buy things like toiletries, crockery, bedding, stationary, batteries and other simple items that are never sold in the places you’d expect to find them at home (Good luck trying to buy some decent shampoo in a German supermarket) is exhausting. In fact it blinds your vision from all of the positive things that are happening. Like those amazing people you are meeting, the beautiful surroundings (location dependent of cause), those interesting aspects of foreign life…I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go on. How long it takes for the black clouds to blow away revealing the year abroad’s silver lining differs of course, but for me it was about a few weeks into it that I really began to fully enjoy it. I mean I loved orientation at Marburg, but I spent the all of my free time depressed and lonely.
If we go back even further to spring 2010, when I was in the final planning stages of my year abroad I remember distinctively a phone conversation with one of my fellow Germanists in which we both broke down in tears at the thought that we HAD to go abroad for the year. I’ve said this 1000 times but I know that if the year abroad was voluntary then I would never have gone through with it. I saw the value of going abroad, but I couldn’t see the enjoyment. I was a wuss. But I know that I am not the only one who felt like that. I hear often about people who actually do not go through with the year abroad. Students here in the UK who will purposefully apply to university courses without the YA or, those who are more extreme, even drop out of their course because when the choice is between that and spending a year in a foreign country they’d rather be a uni drop out. One of my friends in Naples had been offered the chance to study in Spain but she turned it down a few weeks before her departure because she was so scared. I understand why she did it. I still remember how extreme the fear was in those final weeks at home. The fear of the unknown. But do you know what? She regrets that decision, and I’m not surprised. She’s missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime.
As humans we are flawed. We concentrate on the short term and not on the long term benefits. We are so overwhelmed by our current emotions that we make decisions on a whim without even thinking about what we are actually throwing away. A year abroad isn’t just about improving language, it’s about becoming independent, seeing the world without having to worry about your financial situation, meeting and making friends with people from all over the world, having a year out of uni to relax and think about your future without to much stress, try out new things that you’ve always wanted to……..and so on and so on.
My year abroad helped to finally choose a career path which no means that I can properly plan my future and tailor my extracurricular activities to benefit my CV. It’s also helped my confidence in speaking, which is something I’ve always have problems with since I started learning languages. It’s also helped me to want to learn Italian. I look back at my Italian grades from last year with disgust. They were really poor. But it was because my heart wasn’t in it. After living in Italy and meeting some of the nicest Italians I now WANT to improve my Italian, which should hopefully become apparent in next semester’s grades.
I know that this post is a little unstructured, it’s pretty much waffle. But it is how I feel looking back at my year abroad. I’m very jealous of the people who are now in Marburg going through the trials and tribulations that I did. Those living in Fuchspass pulling their hair out about the absence of internet. It was an amazing year. Definitely worth the home sickness and trouble, because now I have a unique set of memories that I will hold dear to me for a life time. <3

Ashamed to be British

I appear to have taken an unintentional hiatus from this blog. I put it down to the fact that I am still suffering from those post-Erasmus blues. I still have much to blog about, in particular my recent return to Dland, but I’ve found myself in such a melancholy state that the idea of writing turns me right off.

However with recent events, the anger and frustration boiling up inside of me has spurred me on to write this post. No it isn’t particularly “year abroad”-esque, however it is a very important topic and I need to get this out there for the world to know.

For those of you that don’t know (I’m sure you’re in a minority by now) the UK is in chaos. The cities are run amok with anarchists and general hooligans looting and burning down businesses, homes and council owned properties. They were originally doing it in vengeance of Mark Duggan, a boy shot down by police in London this weekend, but it has obviously now got beyond that. The rioting, which first started in the area of Tottenham, spread throughout London and has now hit the rest of the UKs primary cities. People are using the riots as a platform to show the government their upset and anger at the “regime” and the looters are supposedly recuperating the money they have lost in tax. People are losing their homes and livelihoods and the whole world have now turned their gaze to us.

I have never been so embarrassed of my country and in now way am I being overdramatic when I say I am ashamed to be British right now. I have never come across such selfishness, such stupidity and such a complete disregard for fellow human beings. How anyone can justify such an act is beyond me. I don’t care how much the “system has f***ed you over”, I don’t care if you are trying to start a “revolution”, you are acting like a bunch of wild animals and are causing so much destruction to innocent people. If you have a problem with the government, then attack the government, not the hard owned properties of your neighbours. With nearby Bristol already in revolt I’d not be surprised if this ignorance soon hits my town, and as the daughter of a small business owner I know how much damage will be caused if my Dad’s shop was to be targeted. We would probably end up bankrupted, our house would be taken away from us, my Nana would end up having to either find her own rented or go some sort of sheltered accommodation. My dad would be instantly unemployed, my mum would have to find herself a job, and consequently find some after school care for my brother. When I see the victims of this violent rampaging on the news my heart goes out for them. Do these people not realise the instantaneous downward spiral they have forced these people into. People, who just like them, have been “f***ed by the system”.

This is ridiculous. Completely and utterly ridiculous. How anyone could do this to another human being is just beyond my comprehension. But what concerns me just as much is what image this is portraying on the rest of the world. I was in Naples during the height of this years rubbish crisis and I saw for myself how something that is already bad, is perceived an hundred times worse when seen through the foreign media. I had my parents back home watching it on the BBC news, my boyfriend learning about it from Yahoo Japan and they just could not understand it. What they saw was a government failing to meet the primary needs of their people. People who couldn’t give a damn about their environment. A city in chaos. But that wasn’t the case. They didn’t see the back story, they didn’t hear about how these mountains on rubbish that were being set on fire were an act of desperation because there was just so much of it on the streets. They were not trying to make trouble, they just wanted rid of it and if ASIA weren’t going to take it away then they would. So I can only imagine how much worse these already hideous events taking place in the UK will  look in Germany, Italy, USA, Japan, China, Australia. They won’t understand the fuss about “Mark Duggan”, they won’t sympathise with people trying to “f**k over the system that f***ed them”, nor will they condone looting, which lets face it people is just an euphemism for stealing, as a way of recuperating your taxes. In fact why the hell do you need to recuperate you tax anyway! Unless you are willing to go and erect some street lights, fill in some potholes, help build the new leisure centre, feed and clothe a handicapped neighbour then shut the hell up and get on with it.

I think it’s time the police upped the game. Show no mercy like you did during the student protests! I don’t believe in shooting, but if you need to use some brutal force then do it. Bring in the army, bring in the tanks, I really don’t care just please bring peace back to our streets. And if any of you selfish, disgusting wasters are reading this. YOU are everything that is wrong with this country. Not the immigrants, not the politicians, not the Z-lister celebrities, YOU!

(p.s. to any tourists who are in the UK atm, particularly in London, then I am so so sorry. I hope that this doesn’t leave you with an unrealistic view of my country. Every country has it’s low lives and unfortunately ours have gone a little out of control. England is a beautiful country with so much to offer, please don’t be put off.)

Update on life back home

I’ve been back home for two weeks now so it’s time I give a quick update.

I’ve found adjusting back to UK life difficult. I don’t know whether it is some sort of culture shock or a slight touch of depression or whether it has something to do with the events that happened on my first night home (I’ll explain in a bit) but I find myself feeling uncomfortable about going out of the house or talking to anyone who isn’t a member of my family. In fact we hosted a BBQ last weekend and invited round my mum’s friends and I pretty much hid away in my bedroom because I didn’t want to answer all of the questions they were bound to ask me about my year abroad. Strange considering that I loved my time away and should want to share it with people.

I don’t know if this is normal behaviour or not for someone in my position. I mean on your year abroad you are so independent and you are constantly experiencing something new, whilst at home everything is so…familiar. My view of England has definitely changed. Before I left for Germany I appreciated the modern aspects of my country but now I feel myself yearning for traditional things. We went to my sister’s school fête the other day which is in a very small village just outside of my town. The town is so…English. Tudor buildings, Saturday markets in the square, a town crier, etc etc. This is the type of place that I want to live in. Somewhere full of culture, history and community. This time last year I never gave that village a second thought.

It’s hard to tell whether I’ve been keeping myself in the house because of my melancholy or because I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a huge amount of friends in my home town and the one’s that I do have aren’t here at the moment, so even if I did want to go out with someone, I can’t.

I promised that I would explain about the events of my first night back home. I went to one of my best friend’s birthday party after only having landed a few hours earlier. I was still emotional and a bit overwhelmed by I went for her. She was too busy hosting it all and the only two people there who I properly knew were two girls with whom I’d had a massive falling out with just after I went to uni. To cut a long story short my friend asked them to talk to me but I couldn’t handle the fakeness of it all, all of the hurt that I’d kept pent up over the past three years about what happened made me feel so vunerable and upset that I left after just an hour.

I don’t know if that had some type of effect or not but it sure did make an emotional day even more emotional.

Anyway enough of the doom and gloom, I am off back to Germany on Wednesday for two weeks to see friends, deal with unfinished business and watched the F1 German Grandprix :D I’m so excited for it all, I can’t wait.

I’ll be sure to post about it.

Until then, bye, 

Counting down the hours

All I can think right now is wow, I’ve made it.
It doesn’t feel like I’m going home tomorrow at all. I was walking through the streets of Naples today and it didn’t feel like goodbye.
I had my last gelato today, lemon and zuppa inglese (a flavour that I’ve been curious but scared to taste ever since I arrived…it was just as odd tasting as I thought) and I’m off to have my last vera pizza napoletana with my friends later.
It’s funny to think that 10 months have passed since I was sat all alone in the Ibis am Dom hotel in Cologne, crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. I remember in the end my boyfriend had to phone the hotel phone using skype (my mobile couldn’t receive any signal in my room) and spoke to me for 3 or 4 hours to keep me company. I feel so detached from that girl. I admit I still get afraid and lonely but that 20 year old girl who had never travelled alone, let alone live alone, she was at breaking point. Even the next day when I arrived in Marburg, I still felt so dead inside.
Go back even further. Go back to August when I started this blog. One of my first posts is all about how much I don’t want to go. How much I was dreading this year. But do you know what, it has ended up as being the best year of my life so far. I know everyone says that, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I have never had so much fun.  
When I got on the plane on the 31st August 2010 I cried during take off. It wouldn’t surprise me if I do the same tomorrow. But this time the tears will be a mixture of emotions. Happiness for going home after 10 months away with just a 2 week break for Christmas, pride at how much I’ve accomplished this year, and also sadness, sadness for my year abroad that literally passed in a flash.
I will make the most of my last few hours here in Naples and I will go back to the UK and tell everyone the wonderful things and people that I have seen during my journey.
I’m not going to shut this blog down just yet. There is still some stuff that I can add to it.
I’m so thankful to have been “forced” to go abroad. :)

2 days until I go home: starting to get teary.

Today is the 23rd of June which means tomorrow I hit the 18th week mark of stay in Italy (my university’s minimum requirement) and the day after I’m flying home.

I can’t believe it. I’m in a state of shock.

I’m excited, god how I’m excited, to go home, see my family and friends, eat all of those food that I have been missing for so long………..the list could go on and on.

But I’m also sad.

I didn’t think I would feel sad until saying my proper goodbyes on Saturday, but it’s come early. I’m not sad to leave Naples, I think everyone knows that that, but I’m sad to leave behind some people who I’ve really come to care about.

It’s different to when I left Marburg. I left Marburg knowing that I would return and see everyone at least one more time. But I can’t promise that I will come back to Naples. I definitely want to come back to Italy, but my plan is to concentrate on the places I missed out on up north. Flying to Naples isn’t exactly cheaper either unless you fly from Stansted. There’s the chance I’ll see my mentor again. She loves London and hopefully she’ll let me know if she’s coming. The same with the teacher who I give private lessons too. In fact she has family in London, so there’s even more chance. But there is one special person who I might never see again. My host mum has been wonderful. She’s been generous, kind, supportive, caring. She’s made feel part of this family and I have to say that in these four short months a daughterly love inside of me has grown inside of me for her. She’s not in a financial position to travel, as a matter of fact, she’s never travelled outside of Italy in her life, so unless I come back…well that’s the end of that.

To quote the Biebs here, I’m never say[ing] never to coming back. I’d like to see more of the area, explore the other two islands, see the famous Amalfi coastline, but I don’t see it happening in the near future.

I thought I’d just get this all out before I go to bed. My room is a mess at the moment. Everything is on the floor. I’ve half packed. The next few days are going to go by so quick. Before I know it I’ll be at my friend’s 21st birthday party on Saturday night in a surreal daze, recalling all of my adventures during the 297 days of my year abroad.

The girl who lives here is CRAZY

You may recall me talking about a mystery girl who moved in with her dog and cat. Yes well a few weeks on I’m still non the wiser as to why she is here but I have noticed that she is a little…OCD.

We share a bathroom, something which I am most upset about, I miss having such a large, beautiful bathroom all to myself…wahhhhh, and I’ve noticed that she loves to clean it. She also loves to clean her bedroom. It makes me feel bad for never actually cleaning while I’ve been here. In all fairness I did ask at the beginning, but my host mum was adamant that I didn’t need to lift a finger.

ANYWAY getting back on track, today mystery girl’s dog found a cockroach in her bedroom. Well let me tell you it was the most hilarious, over dramatic scene ever. She comes running into the bathroom clutching her dog, despite the fact that I am in there (luckily I am just doing my hair). She’s all hysterical and I go out to see what the fuss is about. Host mum has killed the cockroach but girl is still refusing to leave the bathroom. The next thing I know the room is being fumigated with anti-bug spray and all of the furniture, including the bed, is in the hallway. My host mum was on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor, sweeping the mattress, the bedding was put in the washing machine, the dogs bed and toys were bathed in disinfectant and left in the bath tub. Seriously it was just a cockroach.

God knows I have my fair share of freak outs when I see 8 legged mini monsters, I refused to open my window in Germany for fear of them and ended up with a bill of over 100euro because of the mould that had grown thanks to poor room circulation. But this is too much. Seriously get a grip woman.

Worst thing is my host mum hurt her back from this and spent pretty much the rest of the day in bed.  :(

Death finally caught up with me

So many people have been affected by death this year.
I blogged ages ago about how it was starting to affect me and how I was afraid of that day that someone that I care about passes away.
Today, after a day at the beach I was all ready to blog about hairy armpits, speedoes and the absence of one pieces in Naples when someone’s status on Facebook caught my eye.
It was an ex-colleague who had written an RIP message. I assumed it would be for Ryan Dunn from Jackass, there were a few of those statues on my news feed, but this one stood out as being different. I read the name and assumed it was some sick joke. I even, for a moment, thought that he must know someone else with that name, but that was stupid of me since her name is so unique.
I read the comments underneath and her wall and it was true. A woman who had been so supportive to me and a real friend had died alone in her house in Taiwan. She’d gone back to Taiwan last year after a fall out with our boss. It was only supposed to be temporary and she was planning on returning to the UK soon to continue with her studies. She was a remarkable woman. She was caring, fun loving and very unique. Although she was old enough to be my mum she was extremely young at heart and was more like an older sister. We’d kept in contact during this year and I hoped to see her again soon.
She was unlucky with love and had never married, nor did she have any children. I can’t believe she’s been taken from this world in what has been described as an “accident”. I don’t know what the cause of death was, and I don’t know if I want to. All I know is that it is going to take a long time for me to understand that she is gone.
This is all probably sounds so stupid in comparison to the deaths that have affected my friends this year but like I said I had been lucky so far to have never have a friend or family member die (ok that’s a lie my Nanny died, but it was so long ago and I was only 7 so it didn’t affect me).
Life is so short and so cruel. I just hope she didn’t suffer. RIP my friend, I’ll keep you live in my heart.